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16 May 2004
original art by
Bryan de Flores
I know, it just gets heavier, dont it?   It'll lighten up by Tuesday.   We're at that point where it's like,
"If I have to give that up too, what's there left to live for?"
That's pretty heavy.   But it's exactly where we need to be.   That's Ego Death, and it's the only harbinger of true change.   If you visited there and ran away quickly, go on back.   It's just grief.   Grief is the constant companion of loss, and when you let go, you lose.   But you win something bigger.   Grief is the doorway to creativity and integrity, and we have to feel it to pass through.   We hafta be honest about it, we cant avoid it or gloss over it.   It wont last forever.   In fact, trying to avoid feeling it is the best way to prolong it.
We usually harp at y'all to take responsibility for everything that happens in yer life, though there's a danger in saying that, cuz lotsa folks'll hear that they're sposta take the blame for everything.   Not so, but we dont need to go into that here.   Last coupla times we been talking about change that happens to you, how changes that we make aren't real changes.   Anybody feel a contradiction there, between taking responsibility for everything and allowing change to happen to you?   Thing is, we also gotta take responsibility for surrendering to synergies that are larger than ourself.   Can we choose?   Can we surrender to Whirled Peas insteada surrendering to the Washington Terror Machine?
That's a fine line.   The Washington Terror Machine is, it seems to be going on for real in our World, it seems to be getting worse, not going away when we blink and rub our eyes.   You can see how Dubya and Rummy only wanna take responsibility for their righteousness, they dont wanna take any for their Darkside, at least not publicly - who knows what kinda guffaws they get over all this in the privacy of their own white houses.   And we're doing the same, basically.   We dont wanna take responsibility for our own Hindside, even though it's right there in front of us, splashed all over the headlines.   We'd love to blame it on the Washington Terror Machine.   So there we have that edge again, between responsibility and blame.
Thing is, most of us dont have a clue how to take responsibility for our Darkside when it gets so outa hand like this.   One trick is from Eugene Gendlin's work - to imagine yourself being a perp in the drama.   Now, now, dont run away, this is just imagination.   How would it feel if for just a few moments you was on the giving end of the drama you been seeing on the news.   That's not an intellectual question that has an answer in words, this isnt confession.   It's an experiential question that has an answer in yer body.   Be present with that experience in yer body for just a few minutes.   Then forget about it, dont intellectualize it, dont talk about it.   Thinking about it will kill it.
If you actually took two minutes and did that exercise, you've changed.   That's an example of what we mean by surrendering to something bigger'n yerself, accepting the grace of change that's not mediated by the old ego.   No blame on ego, ego's good - like Saturn, ego's about making a safe space, focusing, staying on track, keeping our goals in sight.   But like Saturn, ego can hold on a bit longer than is best for the organism as a whole.   Now, just for a minute, imagine yourself being the victim.   How does that feel in your body?   Dont answer with words, just be with the feeling.   Now forget about it.   The work is done, you've taken responsibility for yer Hindside, now you can go out and play.
This is first chakra work, about our connection to actuality and releasing the fantasies that we use to keep ourselves aloof from it.   If you feel ungrounded after this, go to http://www.jbuss.com/thumbs2.htm and click on the black picture (http://www.jbuss.com/thumbs21b.htm) or the red one (http://www.jbuss.com/thumbs21r.htm).   It'll take a minute to finish loading if yer on dialup.   Click on one of the little pictures, whichever one snags yer eyebone.   Then let the residue from the exercise sorta vomit out through yer third eye into the stone that comes up.   Next, let the picture beam it's synergies directly into your bellybutton and spill down into the Earth from your backside.   You've just cleaned yer Grounding Cord.   Do both the black and the red if ya want, they'll feel quite different.
Now go back to http://www.jbuss.com/thumbs2.htm, and click on the white (first) picture (http://www.jbuss.com/thumbs27w.htm) or the purple one (http://www.jbuss.com/thumbs27p.htm), then click on one of the little pictures that come up.   Let this rock send its synergies in through the top of yer head.   Dont matter what color the actual picture is, it may not be white or purple.   Trust yer choice, no second-guessing.   Of course, it that was fun and ya wanna do it with a second picture, feel free.   You can clean yer chakras with this tool anytime ya want.   What yer doing here, is cleaning yer Heavening Cord.   Do both white and purple if ya want.
Chances are, you'll feel kinda nervous or even scared after cleaning yer Heavening Cord, cuz yer moral judgments about what'll get ya there have just been zapped, and replaced with something less intellectual, something you've always wanted but didnt believe you could have cuz yer fantasies about it weren't aligned straight.   So next take yerself to the Heart Chakra with the pink (http://www.jbuss.com/thumbs24p.htm) or green (http://www.jbuss.com/thumbs24g.htm) or yellow-green (http://www.jbuss.com/thumbs24yg.htm) picture on http://www.jbuss.com/thumbs2.htm.   Click on one of the little pictures you find there, and let the synergy from that stone beam straight into yer Heart.   This'll helpya be loving with yer True Self.   Do all three - pink, green, and yaller-green - if ya want, they're very different from one another.
Real change can be disorienting.   You'll very seldom change enough in one leap to be seriously disoriented.   But dont be surprised if part of ya says "Where the bleep am I?" tomorrow when the rest of ya knows yer only two blocks from home.   When we change, the World changes, cuz we're All One.   But the change has gotta be real, not just jawboning yerself or putting on a different mask.   We feel real changes in our bodbone, almost always with some grief and fear that we need to be present with, cuz they're the doorkeepers.   Yer casual persona, the mask you use with coworkers and neighbors and inlaws, will feel funny next week, and that's good.   Let it feel funny, and take it lightly when they try to cajole you back to who you was last week.   Social pressure to conform is a strong pillar of security, but it's a bane to spiritual growth.